I WOULD NEVER LIE TO YOU

PSYCHE!

ALL I WANT TO DO IS LIVE BY THE BEACH

AND WATCH THE LOCAL NEWS

BOBBY DOES BLOW IN THE BATHROOM

THAT'S IT FOR NOW

SAME GUY WHO LIKES TO JUDGE BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS IS OBSESSED WITH THE OLD GMAIL LOOK

THE ARTICLE

"Stipulating again that this doesn't "really" matter, I'll say that the new look of Google makes me sad."

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER, SO HERE IS A LONG-ASS ARTICLE ABOUT HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT THIS.

SO I APPLIED TO CLOWN COLLEGE

AND THEY REJECTED MY APPLICATION. SO THEN I APPLIED TO BE A RODEO CLOWN, AND THEY TOLD ME I WAS OVERQUALIFIED, AND I WAS LIKE "WHAT IS THIS A JOKE?"

THREE MEN ARE SENTENCED TO A LIFE-TERM IN PRISON

AS IS CUSTOMARY PER ANY COUNTRY'S CIVIL/LEGAL LAW CODE, EACH PRISONER GETS ONE WISH BEFORE THEY HAVE TO GO INTO THEIR CELLS AND SERVE THEIR LIFE-TERM IN PRISON. THE FIRST GUY ASKS FOR A COMPUTER, BECAUSE HE LIKES TO KEEP UP TO DATE WITH THINGS. THE SECOND GUY ASKS FOR A WOMAN, BECAUSE HE'S INTO FAMILY. THE THIRD GUY ASKS FOR A TRUCK FULL OF CIGARETTES.

TEN YEARS PASS, AND THEY GO BACK TO CHECK ON THESE GUYS.

THE FIRST GUY IS ALL UP TO DATE ON THE LATEST NEWS, HE'S WELL AWARE OF FACEBOOK AND KIM KARDASHIAN'S SEX TAPE. HE HOLDS STEADY COMMUNICATION WITH A PEN PAL IN GERMANY, WHO IS ALSO SERVING A LIFE-TERM IN PRISON AND ASKED FOR A COMPUTER.

THE SECOND GUY HAS THREE CHILDREN AND THE WOMAN HAS BEEN DEAD FOR THREE YEARS. ALL THREE CHILDREN ARE MALE, AND THEY AREN'T VERY TALKATIVE.

THEY GET TO THE THIRD GUY AND HE ASKS THEM:

"HEY, ANY OF YOU GOT A MATCH?"

HIS NAME IS TIMMY, AND HE WAS ALWAYS THE CLASS CLOWN. EVEN IN PRISON, HE COULDN'T RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO MAKE A JOKE.

THE THREE MOVEMENTS OF JASON LORIA

WHEN LEAVING HIS DESK

DOES A QUICK, STIFF TURN TO HIS LEFT AND KEEPS HIS HEAD DOWN, AND DASHES TO THE BATHROOM.

SWINGS TO HIS RIGHT AND DOES A SINGLE STRUT, LEFT ARM HALF-RASIED LIKE HE'S HOLDING A BEER, AND WALKS OVER TO JEN.

PUSHES HIS CHAIR BACK AS HE STRAIGHTENS HIS KNEES, THEN GRABS HIS JACKET AND WALKS OUT OF THE OFFICE.

YOU'RE NEVER LATE

FOR THE MORNING AFTER

EVERYBODY FUCKS

FEW CUMMUNICATE

MAN IS SURPRISINGLY HONEST ABOUT HOW IGNORANT, ARROGANT AND STUPID HE IS IN A RATHER UNINTERESTING SHORT ARTICLE ABOUT DALE'S PALE ALE

THE ARTICLE

BASICALLY, THIS GUY JUDGES BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS. AND SURPRISE, AT THE RIPE AGE OF OVER FIFTY, FINALLY REALIZES THAT HE SHOULDN'T BE SO QUICK TO JUMP TO PRESUMPTUOUS CONCLUSIONS.

HERE IS HOW HE ENDS IT:


"I'LL SAY: IT'S A START. TRY IT FOR YOURSELF. AND IF YOU'RE TEMPTED TO SEND ME A LECTURE ABOUT NOT JUDGING THINGS ON APPEARANCE, I'LL SAY: YEAH, YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT WHEN YOU'RE EATING GREEN MEAT."

LISTEN, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER. I WILL EAT GREEN MEAT IF SOMEONE SERVES IT TO ME. DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER HAD GREEN MEAT, AND THEREFORE HAVE NO BASIS FOR REFUSING IT. IF I DID REFUSE, I WOULD BE "ASSUMING" SOMETHING I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT, WHICH IS FUCKING RETARDED.

WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT

Size

I never know when to throw out a razor. I feel uncomfortable when I shave, and I don't remember if it was any better the first time I used it. My girl says to check if it's dull, but how am I supposed to know that? Because it hurts when I shave? I've seen commercials, and supposedly many men share this problem. Rust forms at the blade's edges, but I don't see it because I don't wear my glasses in the shower. I start scraping at my face with an orange and black fermented shaver, and that's when I throw it out and pick up a new one. But did I throw out a perfectly good razor? This one feels good, though. A little calmer. Should I shave off the 'stache? Better keep the 'stache, and the soulpatch. The rest can go, and maybe it will grow thicker next time once it feels the cold outside. Fucking shower, I already feel that dang cold. Who thought of putting a window next to the shower head? A tall window! Could cover anyone's whole torso. Does feel good in the summer, though.

SHARING THE HOLE THAT FITS: 2012

FINALLY, A WRITER THAT GETS PYNCHON

Life according to Bolaño

You visit a new city and you stay a little longer than expected. You start frequenting the same restaurants and bars for a while. Your anxiety grows the longer you stay. You start feeling hostility around you and you constantly dream of violent murder and rape. Eventually you die.

Infinite Jest summed up:

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