Where have all the Burger Kings gone?

One of my fondest school memories is that of my 6th grade class trip to Sea World. I remember the bus ride, my CD player switching constantly between Blink 182's "all the small things" and Juvenile's "back that ass up," the bottles of gel used to spike up long brown hair into mohawks, and the short shorts all the girls were wearing. I don't remember much about the theme park, but the bus ride was a blast. By the time I got into my mom's car well into the night I was exhausted but satisfied.

One of the better moments of the trip was when we stopped at Port St. Lucie, the midway between Miami and Orlando, a necessary stop if you've been drinking water and soda the whole trip, or, as has been more recently the case, cans of Busch Light. Everyone runs to the bathrooms, and once relieved, you rush to be the first in line at the Burger King. I loved Burger King then, and I love Burger King now. The Tendercrisp sandwich I had that day was one of the most glorious in my life. Burger King is a staple to the road trip to Orlando or Gainesville.

I was shocked this past weekend on a trip to Orlando not to find a Burger King at a rest stop. In the King's place was either a Checkers or a Cheeseburger Cheeseburger. Where have all the Burger Kings gone? Did the lease expire? Or is it worse? The first Burger King opened up in Coral Way in nineteen fifty-four, and the Headquarters still stand in Dade-County, so it's as Miami as they come. Burger King always knows what I want and it gives it to me the way I want it, because it is their policy for me to have it my way. Have people not been having their way enough?

I don't know where the Burger Kings went, but the Checkers that I dined at on Sunday the 19th of July was a poor substitute at best. I'll admit that I was overly excited in line since my friends and I came up with an incredible plan of order; 20 chicken wings, 3 chili dogs, 3 orders of loaded french fries. The chicken wings were pretty good, especially for a fast food joint, but the chili dogs and the fries were very sloppy, but not in that good way. The wings couldn't possibly have saved the meal on their own, and they could never match the taste and size of a Tendercrisp chicken sandwich, and definitely not a Whopper. I felt like shit on the ride home. There is just no replacing Burger King. The absence of such a fine establishment at a rest stop along the way to Orlando from Miami has literally ruined the trip. The only thing that could take your mind off of it is drinking some beers in the car, but those same beers will lead you to the next rest stop to pee.

You're better off stopping at a gas station or something next time you decide to make this trek, until the King returns.

On a sidenote, my good friend Brian has come up with a great drinking game for the road. What you do is play the music real loud, and every time there is a guitar solo, you have to chug the beer for the entirety of the solo. Some solos are much longer than others.