What is the best way to fuck something up?
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Michelle started sleeping over on the weekends. She is perpetually hungry. I met her at the park by a hot dog stand. She asked me if I could spare a quarter, said she needed one more for a hot dog. I told her I was heading home to grill on my rooftop. She stayed over that night and continues to do so occasionally.
When I woke up this morning she was fully dressed and ready to eat. She has a boyfriend but they've been seeing each other off and on and less and less. She's going on a date with him later tonight. She's asking me for advice. What kind of thing should she wear. Should she always let him pay for dinner. It has always sounded strange to me, in the way a pet loves its owner, but for humans.
Anyone who's lived in Miami for a few years knows what the city looks like. Not just the buildings or the layout, but the aesthetic. Teal Turquoise. Hot Pink. Cafetería La Mejor seems to have this concept down. The owners are presumably from somewhere in South Florida. The place has a service window so you can stop by and grab a cafecito and chill for a bit. Know what I mean? More than the looks, it goes for the Miami style.
The wallpaper too (in the picture below). The seats. It's a little over the top tbh. There's a teal and pink boombox. But I get what they're doing. This is Bushwick, not Miami. This is catering.
I order two Cubans and Michelle asks me about my past girlfriends. I never lie when it comes to this subject. I find that being honest about your past is the best way to grow, to move on, to learn.
I ask Michelle to tell me a little bit about herself. She says she's had some bad experiences with guys. She dated a kind-of-first boyfriend for about four years, back when she lived in her hometown. An angry and jealous guy. She'd receive a text and he would look over her shoulder to see who it was from. He threw her dog off the bed with brute force and broke one of its legs. They went to prom. They dated through college.
She never drank until the split. Sitting next to us at La Mejor is a skinny man with curly dark-brown hair in round-rimmed glasses. He looks a bit like Bolaño. He's reading 2666. Michelle tells me about her college days. She once played king's cup at a Halloween party. It sounds like circle of death. The rules are almost the same (I'm convinced there are no set rules when it comes to these games) minus the cup part. At a certain point, you need to pour whatever liquor you have into this cup, and someone's gotta drink it at the end. Like circle of death, it's a recipe for love and disaster. She was drinking "jungle juice" that night, a concoction she describes as red and pure liquor. She also drank the king's cup. One of the guys at the party took her upstairs to his room. She was wearing a white scarf which she stained red with her vomit. Her friend tried looking for her pants but couldn't find them. She gave up and left her in his room. He was dressed like Leonardo from TMNT.
It happened again with a different set of guys with the same tactics. She cut snowflakes out of paper for the winter wonderland theme of the party.
One night she went to a bar named Lucky Joe's. She drank yummy vodka and walked over cracking peanut shells. She doesn't remember how many shots she took. She went into the bathroom and didn't come out. A guy who had told her he liked her held her head as she threw up. He took her home and took off her clothes. He threw her in the shower and told her she was gross. She threw up in his bed and he changed the sheets. His hard work paid off.
Another time she downed four shots of tattoo rum. I have seen Michelle get drunk off a glass of wine. She smoked weed and a group of guys tried taking advantage of her. She threw up and a friend took her back home. She left her sunglasses at the party. She never talked to those guys again. I ask Michelle about the r-word. She says "maybe."
She was approached by a man on her way out of trader joe's. The man handed her a business card and said he was a photographer. He'd like to do a photo shoot with her.
She says it happens to her a lot. Not specifically the photo shoot, but being approached by men on the street. Unsolicited.
A man who claimed to be a voice actor wanted to put her in a commercial. Another who owned a hair salon wanted to cut her hair. A retail employee asked her out on a skateboarding date. Get ice cream. Get Filipino food. See a play. Grab a drink. She takes a lot of numbers she doesn't call.
She feels like she has to be polite. She feels she is too polite. Often times men have kissed her, and it felt awful, but she felt she had to be polite and let it happen.
Free tango dancing lessons in Union Sq. A really good dancer, an older gentleman. He got her email, through which he got her facebook, through which he got her number and messaged her. She said OK when he became insistent, being polite. Went for one drink in the upperwest side. He invited her to his place. She was polite. He played guitar and sucked and she left.
Michelle thinks she was ugly when she was young. She says she wore lots of t-shirts, and I'm not sure why that would make anyone ugly. I think she was beautiful then as she is now, just less hidden by her makeup. I tell her she is beautiful with and without makeup. A big thing to her about her boyfriend is that he was the first person to tell her that she looks better without it. I don't know how I feel about that, about people looking "better" or "worse." I think she always looks great, no matter what her style. The sandwiches are served.
Michelle thinks she was ugly when she was young. She says she wore lots of t-shirts, and I'm not sure why that would make anyone ugly. I think she was beautiful then as she is now, just less hidden by her makeup. I tell her she is beautiful with and without makeup. A big thing to her about her boyfriend is that he was the first person to tell her that she looks better without it. I don't know how I feel about that, about people looking "better" or "worse." I think she always looks great, no matter what her style. The sandwiches are served.
She says she was a nerd because she wore glasses. She was a tomboy, as in athletic, which equates to "not pretty." Her insecurities blossomed in high school, turned into bad habits. She wants to let them go. She's having a hard time. She dyes her hair and paints her nails to get boys to like her. She wants to eliminate everything.
She used to dress like a hot person.
h o t p e r s o n = in high school or college, high heels, short shorts, lip gloss, tight shirts, underwear (thongs, boy shorts)
She only wore thongs, "but then someone told me that boy shorts are really hot."
She met John in college. It was her second time taking the same economics course. She got a C in business law because she never went to class. A C in news writing because she never did the assignments. A C in physics because it was just too hard. She failed her economic development course because she failed to write any papers.
"Just didn't feel like doing the work. I read the book. I didn't feel like writing about it."
She received a D for her first attempt at economics. The second time around she joined a study group. John was in the group. She was telling everyone what she could remember. John thought she was smart. All her roommates in freshman year dropped out of college.
John told her she was smart. She realized she was smart. What changed? She didn't feel cool anymore. She was over it.
She was bratty. She used to cry a lot.
I feel like saying a few more things about Michelle but I don't know where to start or where to pick up. I met up a friend of mine and we headed to Brooklyn Fireproof where I tried my first Cuban sandwich for this column. And what a delightful surprise, the sandwich has changed, and it is still NOT a Cuban sandwich.
THE SANDWICH
She used to dress like a hot person.
h o t p e r s o n = in high school or college, high heels, short shorts, lip gloss, tight shirts, underwear (thongs, boy shorts)
She only wore thongs, "but then someone told me that boy shorts are really hot."
She met John in college. It was her second time taking the same economics course. She got a C in business law because she never went to class. A C in news writing because she never did the assignments. A C in physics because it was just too hard. She failed her economic development course because she failed to write any papers.
"Just didn't feel like doing the work. I read the book. I didn't feel like writing about it."
She received a D for her first attempt at economics. The second time around she joined a study group. John was in the group. She was telling everyone what she could remember. John thought she was smart. All her roommates in freshman year dropped out of college.
John told her she was smart. She realized she was smart. What changed? She didn't feel cool anymore. She was over it.
i know what it's like
i'm tired of it
i don't need it anymore
all the attention
attention from guys
had enough bad experiences
not entirely their fault
let myself become an object
when john told me
I realized I don't have to dress a certain way
John made her realize she doesn't have to get married. She can leave her hometown. She can move to New York if that's what she wants. She started dating a thirty year old. He fell in love with her.
He told her he loved her. She never said it back. She felt he was a good person to date. He was successful in life. He was in real estate. He looked like a Ken doll, which isn't her type. He was fake. She's not gonna say superficial, but she will say image conscious. It wasn't a real relationship and she dated other guys.
She was bratty. She used to cry a lot.
C R Y I N G T O P I C S
or alternatively
REASONS TO CRY OVER THINGS
friends are mean. friends ignore you. friends criticize you. friends are jealous of you because you're a daddy's girl. they think you are a bad person for cheating.
you don't feel pretty. you cry.
"All the Hispanics hung out in the same hallway and a lot of the girls were in the pregnancy program."
Michelle wasn't born "white," but she did as best she could to fit the bill. She dyed her hair blonde, shaved her arms, french-tipped her nails, joined the varsity cheerleading squad, tanned incessantly, at times fake-tanned, joined a sorority ∆∆∆
I ask Michelle how she feels about polyamory. She says she's looking for a guy that's real. A ♥ Real Guy ♥ is a guy who isn't superficial. He's vulnerable. He listens. He's open-minded, confident.
She looks at me in a longing, seductive way but I know she will leave after this sandwich. She will go to make her man happy. It makes her happy. I'd rather she stay, but it makes me happy that she's happy. That's what love is.
THE SANDWICH
THE SANDWICH
BREAD: 8/10
MEAT: 8/10
CHEESE: 6/0
PICKLES: 5/10
MUSTARD: 2/0
LOCATION: 9/10
FINAL SCORE: 6/10
MEAT: 8/10
CHEESE: 6/0
PICKLES: 5/10
MUSTARD: 2/0
LOCATION: 9/10
FINAL SCORE: 6/10
ººººººººººººººººººº
I feel like saying a few more things about Michelle but I don't know where to start or where to pick up. I met up a friend of mine and we headed to Brooklyn Fireproof where I tried my first Cuban sandwich for this column. And what a delightful surprise, the sandwich has changed, and it is still NOT a Cuban sandwich.
THE SANDWICH
BREAD: 0/10
MEAT: 8/10
CHEESE: 4/0
PICKLES: 3/10
MUSTARD: 4/0
LOCATION: 9/10
FINAL SCORE: 4/10
